Monday, November 22, 2004

CHAV AID - These people need your help!


Kylie, Sharon & Trace
Originally uploaded by das spunken.
Facts & Figures -UK Chav Nation

-UK female teenages have the highest recorded rates of teenage pregnancy in Europe.

-UK female teenages have the 2nd highest booze intake.

- UK female teenages have the 2nd highest drugs intake.



Kylie's Story

Kylie was named after Australian happy go lucky popstar Kylie Minogue. Unlike her namesake she is anything but happy at the moment. Kylie suffers from a condition known as "Chav lady burns". This serious condition is brought about by serial carpet burns. The flesh on Kylies knee is so worn a doctor described it recently as being "similair to that of a dead pensioners knee" Kylie drinks babycham to forget about the pain of not having one single Burberry garment. Help us to put this problem in check!

Sharons Story

Sharon first had sex at the age of twelveteen when several chav gentlemen at her local pub were raising money for a comic relief event. Sharon is now sixteen and boasts a larger collection of crabs than the National Maritime Museum. Her hobbies include "knobbin lads" "robbin sweets" and "gobbin on pensioners from the Hypermarket roof". With your help we can change Sharons life and get her a job as an Easy Jet check in lady.

Trace's Story

Trace's life is convulsed with problems. At a young age of twelveteen she developed a condition known as "McDonalds fertile" this serious condition is brought about by hanging outside Mcdonalds. Doctor Benzo Shadcock explains "The victim literally lingers outside Mcdonalds for so long that the CJD elements in the meat produce a sensory overload in the fertility process, rendering the victim so fertile that onlookers literally have to touch her to conceive". Trace has had five children all of which had to be breastfed on happy meals until the age of 7. Give to Chav aid and help Trace buy here childrens Mcdonalds xmas meal

Friday, November 19, 2004

COMING SOON -CHAV AID


Get down to Chavgos this xmas
Originally uploaded by das spunken.
The isles of Argos fill with the clink clank of hooped earings and sovereign rings and the shopping malls of Britain are stuffed with burberry. Thats right folks Xmas time is here again, and one of the coolest new words of the year is CHAV.

No one really knows where the name came from, some say it's a gypsy word for a thief and others say it stands for Council House and Violence.

We at DAS SPUNKEN say do we need new words that mean exactly the same as existing words. Why cant we just just say Slag or scum?

Anyway, in the all embracing style of the SPUNKEN we are about to set up our Xmas campaign to support poor deprived CHAVS who cant really afford a can of White Lightening this Xmas.

Thursday, November 18, 2004

ANAL + CARNAME = FUN

Friends of the Speunken recently sent this rather excellent work sapping game to play with your friends. It's not as good as masturbation or spanking Charlotte Church with a 4 hole ring binder, but it is alot better than inserting 2 Duracell into your rectum. I cant believe they missed ANAL AMBASSADOR -your spoiling us!!!!!!!!!


Adolf Cravat: oh! we got a new game to play. whenver you see a car, look at what it's called and put the word "anal" in front of it
Elton Tumrec: heh
Adolf Cravat: for instance, my cousin steve drives an anal voyager
Elton Tumrec: lol - there was a stupid joke that we started when a guy who was with us at Uni decided it was morally better for him to only deflower a 16-year old girl anally
Elton Tumrec: and we talked about Brian Blessed "going out with her anally"
Elton Tumrec: so now it's become a general phrase. "Oh yeah, we're going out. Anally"
Adolf Cravat: hahaha
Adolf Cravat: andrews sister drives an anal firebird
Elton Tumrec: lol
Adolf Cravat: same here. a lady I work with drives an anal wrangler
Adolf Cravat: that's one the best
Elton Tumrec: that is pretty classic
Adolf Cravat: yesterday I saw an anal avenger
Adolf Cravat: anal rodeo
Adolf Cravat: there's just too many. this game has changed my life
Elton Tumrec: awesome!
Adolf Cravat: anal trailblazer. anal lancer. anal triumph. come on man, it's your turn
Elton Tumrec: I might tell Lord Vader about it - it seems like the sort of thing that would go well on Das Spunken
Elton Tumrec: Anal Mondeo isn't so inspiring
Elton Tumrec: how about Anal Vectra
Elton Tumrec: Anal Corsa
Adolf Cravat: anal vectra is a good one. it sounds like a disease. "oh man, I can't go to work today, my anal vectra is flaring up."
Elton Tumrec: Anal Transit!
Elton Tumrec: Anal Camper
Adolf Cravat: hahaha! anal dart, anal duster, anal navigator, anal admiral
Elton Tumrec: Anal Discovery
Elton Tumrec: Anal Fiesta
Elton Tumrec: that last one sounds like a mass anal party
Adolf Cravat: nice ones!
Adolf Cravat: yeah it does. anal sunfire, that sounds like a serious problem
Elton Tumrec:very very raw!
Adolf Cravat: anal entourage, anal explorer anal intrigue
Elton Tumrec: wow
Adolf Cravat: we were at a resturaunt saturday coming up with all these and yelling them out. people must have thought we were sick. especially when amber shouted "anal triumph!"
Elton Tumrec: pretty brilliant
Adolf Cravat: anal caravan. anal accord. anal viper
Elton Tumrec: accord!
Elton Tumrec: like some political agreement - excellent
Adolf Cravat: like the anal peace talks. brb
Elton Tumrec: ok
Adolf Cravat: i think anal wrangler is still my favorite. it just rolls off the tongue
Elton Tumrec: how pleasant
Adolf Cravat: anal expedition, anal excursion, anal windstar, anal freestyle
Adolf Cravat: anal ranger
Adolf Cravat: anal probe!
Adolf Cravat: anal focus
Elton Tumrec: anal freestyle
Elton Tumrec: classic stuff
Adolf Cravat: I found that one at carmax.com. I'm not gonna get any work done
Adolf Cravat: anal vigor
Elton Tumrec: lol
Adolf Cravat: anal prowler anal crossfire anal equinox anal allure anal citation
Adolf Cravat: why would you name a car the citation?


Tuesday, November 16, 2004

LOOK INTO THE BLUE EYES OF DAS SPUNKEN


3roll
Originally uploaded by das spunken.
Keep lookin at the blue spots and let Das Spunken into your life

DAS SPUNKEN LOOKS AT WEIRD WORLDWIDE SEX LAWS

DAS SPUNKEN takes a worldwide look at incredible sex laws:

No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth. (This law may not work in France!)

Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you-or holding you in his arms.

Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown-if they're nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, you're safe from the law!)

During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains. (Do beef curtains count?)

In Cleveland, Ohio women are not allowed to wear patent-leather shoes.

Clinton, Oklahoma has a law against masturbating while watching two people having sex in a car. (The Stan Collymore Law)

It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate. (2 minutes headstart -gives you time to get a few more shags in then do a runner)

In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot off a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm. (they really need to reword this one)

In Detroit, couples are not allowed to make love in an automobile unless the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on the couple's own property.

A law in Fairbanks, Alaska does not allow moose to have sex on city streets. (I wish we had this law on a Saturday night in Essex)

In Florida it is illegal for single, divorced, or widowed women to parachute on Sunday afternoons.

In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a toll booth.

The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.

Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.

A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.

An excerpt from brilliant Kentucky state legislation. "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club".

The following important amendment however is to be considered here: "The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to male horses." (Glad you cleared that up)

In Kingsville, Texas there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property. (Listen can you hear the sound of duelling banjo's)

Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law.

In Maryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "The privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male."

An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer!

In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.

In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds!

A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman's name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment.

In Ventura County, California cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.

The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary-style position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.

In Willowdale, Oregon no man may curse while having sex with his wife.

In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances. (Including the wedding night?).

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Do you really have time to check the animals sex before having sex with it?)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during theexamination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Keeps the population low)

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.!! The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)



Monday, November 15, 2004

DAVERAVE STRIKES AGAIN

MORE FROM DAVE RAVE

DAVERAVE: Hi I?m Dave from UK anyone wanna chat?
Sky12: Hi Dave ASL
DAVERAVE: Whats ASL? Is it short for ArSehoLe?
Sky12: No age sex and location
DAVERAVE: 35/M/London England
Sky12: I like brits?
DAVERAVE: You?
Sky12: 21/F/Boston US
DAVERAVE: I have a lisp is that ok?
Sky12: Sure, what do you do in UK?
DAVERAVE: I am a tree surgeon; some of my best friends are trees. Do you like trees?
Sky12: Lol crazy brits?
DAVERAVE: Ssorry that makes me ssoundboring, I am a very interesting and sexy individual with a higher than average UK male sperm count.
Sky12: When did they let you out?
DAVERAVE: They never let me in. What do you do?
Sky12: I am at college and I work in a clothing store.
DAVERAVE: Can I suggesssssst we both get naked for the rest of the conversation.
Sky12: Boy where did that come from and why do you keep adding all the S?s
DAVERAVE: My brain via my keyboard I think and I told you I have a lisp on the word S
Sky12: Why do you have to write it?
DAVERAVE: I have just removed my adidas trackssssssuit bottomsss, ohh it?s a little cold. Your turn to take off your clothes.
DAVERAVE: off comes my vessssssst
Sky12: Are you really takin off your clothes?
DAVERAVE: Yes please hurry up and join me I am getting cold.
Sky12: You are crazy, but what the hell------I am slowly peeling outta my jeans.
DAVERAVE: What like a banana.
Sky12: Undoing my blouse and taking off my panties. Do you want me?
DAVERAVE: Yes I am naked now and I turn and stoke your hair, moving onto your arms. I sssslowley caress the bark on your arms, sniffing your elm like neck.
Sky12: WTF Bark
DAVERAVE: Wuff Wuff does that turn you on?
Sky12: I am not a tree or dog --------asshole!
DAVERAVE: I am exploring your branches, can I see your inner rings?
DAVERAVE: Iam getting limp quick sssssssssssstart I need to feel your hot liquid sap?..
Sky12: Fuck off sicko
DAVERAVE: Sorry please don?t leave, I was just joking.
Sky12: Why are you talking about trees you fucking sicko?
DAVERAVE: I am surrounded by Acorns and saplings, I know it is wrong but I just cant help it.
Sky12: IGNORE
DAVERAVE: Have you ever been naked with a freshly pruned ssssssshrubbery


DAVES NEXT INTERNET CONVERSATIONS WILL LOOK AT INTERESTING TOPICS LIKE PROOVING TO EVERYONE IN CHRISTIANITY CHAT THAT JESUS WAS A HOMOSEXUAL AND HUMAN SLAVE TRAFFICKING WITH IN ASIAN BUSINESS CHAT. CANT WAIT.......................

Friday, November 12, 2004

Meatloaf & Pirate Cyber Session


Hard Rocker
Originally uploaded by das spunken.

DAVERAVE recently sent this transcript of a conversation with a young lady from Mid West America. This truly is one of the funniest things we at the SPUNKEN have read this year. (The picture right is one one which was sent to sweet17) Do you think it looks like meatloaf?

DAVERAVE -is DAS SPUNKENS UBER TERRORIST
sweet17 - is a poor innocent girl that was taken in by the devious gent.

Read ON:

sweet17: Hi
DAVERAVE: hello
DAVERAVE: who is this?
sweet17: just a someone?
DAVERAVE: A someone I know?
sweet17: nope
DAVERAVE: Then why the hell are you bothering me?
sweet17: well sorrrrrry
sweet17: I just wanted to chat with you
DAVERAVE: why?
sweet17: nevermind your a jerk
DAVERAVE: Hey wait a minute
sweet17: yes?
DAVERAVE: look I'm sorry. I'm just a little paranoid
sweet17: paranoid?
DAVERAVE: yes
sweet17: of what?
sweet17: me?
DAVERAVE: No. I'm in hiding.
sweet17: LOL
DAVERAVE: Don't fucking laugh at me!
DAVERAVE: This shit is serious!
sweet17: What are you hiding from?
DAVERAVE: The cops.
sweet17: gimme a fucking break
DAVERAVE: I'm serious.
sweet17: I don't get it
DAVERAVE: The cops are after me.
sweet17: For what?
DAVERAVE: I'm wanted in three states
sweet17: For???
DAVERAVE: It's kind of embarrasing.
DAVERAVE: I had blow up a government building by accident when a recent firework party got out of control!
DAVERAVE: Hello?
sweet17: You are fucking mad.
DAVERAVE: Send me your picture.
sweet17: why?
DAVERAVE: Are you one of them?
sweet17: One of what?

DAVERAVE: The cops.
sweet17: I'm not a cop i told you
DAVERAVE: Then send me your picture.
sweet17: hold on
DAVERAVE: Hurry up.
DAVERAVE: Are you there?
DAVERAVE: Fuck you, cop!
sweet17: Hey sorry
sweet17: I had to do something.
DAVERAVE: I thought you were trying to find a picture to send to me.
DAVERAVE: When really you were notifying the authorities.
DAVERAVE: Weren't you!?
sweet17: thats not it
DAVERAVE: Then what?
sweet17: I don't want to send you the picture cause I'm not pretty
DAVERAVE: Most cops aren't
sweet17: IM NOT A FUCKING COP YOU SHITHEAD!
DAVERAVE: Then send me the picture.
sweet17: fine. What's your e-mail?
DAVERAVE: Just send it through here.
sweet17: alright *PIC*
sweet17: Did you get it?
DAVERAVE: Hold on. I'm looking.
sweet17: That was me back in may
sweet17: I've lost weight since then.
DAVERAVE: I hope so
sweet17: what?!?
sweet17: that hurt my feelings.
DAVERAVE: Did it?
sweet17: Yes. I'm not that much smaller than that now.
DAVERAVE: Will it make you feel better if I send you my picture?
sweet17: yes
DAVERAVE: Alright let me find it.
sweet17: kks
DAVERAVE: Okay here it is. *PIC*
sweet17: this isn't you.
DAVERAVE: I'll be damned if it ain't!
sweet17: You don't look like that.
DAVERAVE: How the hell do you know?
sweet17: cause your profile has another picture.
DAVERAVE: The profile pic is a fake.
DAVERAVE: I use it to hide from the cops.
sweet17: You look like Meatloaf lol
DAVERAVE: Well, you look like you ATE Meatloaf
DAVERAVE: Not to mention all the groceries.
sweet17: Go fuck yourself
DAVERAVE: I was going to until I saw that picture
DAVERAVE: Now my unit won't get hard for a week.
sweet17: I shouldn't have sent you that picture.
sweet17: You've done nothing but slam me.
sweet17: you hurt me.
DAVERAVE: And calling me the Meatloaf doesn't hurt me?
sweet17: I thought you were shitting me!
DAVERAVE: Why would I do that?
sweet17: I can't believe that cops are after you
DAVERAVE: I can't believe Santa lets you sit on his lap..
sweet17: FUCK YOU!!!
DAVERAVE: You'd break both of his legs.
sweet17: You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE!
sweet17: I've been teased my whole life because of my weight
sweet17: and you make fun of me when you don't even know me
DAVERAVE: Ok. I'm sorry.
sweet17: No you aren't
DAVERAVE: You're right. I'm not.
DAVERAVE: HAARRRRR!
sweet17: I'm done with you
DAVERAVE: Aww. I'm sorry.
sweet17: I'm putting you on ignore
DAVERAVE: Wait a sec
DAVERAVE: We got off on the wrong foot.
DAVERAVE: Wanna start over?
sweet17: No
DAVERAVE: I'll eat your kitty
sweet17: You'll what?
DAVERAVE: You heard me.
DAVERAVE: I said I'd eat your kitty.
sweet17: I thought you said you couldn't get it hard after seeing my picture
DAVERAVE: Do I need a hard-on to eat your kitty?
sweet17: I'd like to know that the man eating me out is excited yes
DAVERAVE: Well I'm not like most men.
DAVERAVE: I get excited in different ways.
sweet17: Like what?
DAVERAVE: Do you really wanna know?
sweet17: I don't know
DAVERAVE: You have to tell me yes or no.
sweet17: I'm afraid to
DAVERAVE: Why?
sweet17: cause
DAVERAVE: cause why?
sweet17: well lets see
sweet17: . You call me fat. then you wanna eat me out
sweet17: doesn't that seem strange to you?
DAVERAVE: Nope
sweet17: well its strange to me
DAVERAVE: Fine. I won't do it if you don't want me to
sweet17: I didn't say that
DAVERAVE: So is that a yes?
sweet17: I guess so.
DAVERAVE: Ok. I need your help getting excited though.
DAVERAVE: Are you willing?
sweet17: What do you need me to do?
DAVERAVE: I need you talk like a pirate.
sweet17: ???
DAVERAVE: When I start to go limp... you say "HARRRR!!!"
DAVERAVE: ok?
DAVERAVE: Hello?
sweet17: You can't be serious
DAVERAVE: Oh yes I am!
DAVERAVE: It's my fantasy.
sweet17: this is retarded
DAVERAVE: Do you want it or not?
sweet17: Yes I want it.
DAVERAVE: Then you'll do it for me?
sweet17: sure
DAVERAVE: Ok. Here we go.
DAVERAVE: I gently remove your panties and being to massage your thighs.
DAVERAVE: You get really juicy thinking about my tounge brushing up against them
DAVERAVE: I softly begin to tongue your wet kitty.
DAVERAVE: I run my tounge up and down your smooth clit.
sweet17: mmmm yeah
DAVERAVE: uh oh ...going limp.
sweet17: Har
DAVERAVE: You gotta do better than that!
DAVERAVE: Your picture was really bad.
sweet17: HARRRRRRRRRRRR
DAVERAVE: Ahhhh. Much better. I feel your kitty get more moist with every stroke.
DAVERAVE: I softly suck on your clit bringing it in and out of my mouth.
DAVERAVE: Your juices run down my chin as your scent makes its way to my nose.
DAVERAVE: I begin to feel empowered by your femininity.
sweet17: mmmmmm you are good
DAVERAVE: I feel your thighs tighten as I suck harder
DAVERAVE: going limp
sweet17: HARRRRRRR
DAVERAVE: Mmmm I grab your swelling buttocks in my hands.
DAVERAVE: You begin to sway back and forth.
DAVERAVE: going limp
sweet17: this is stupid
DAVERAVE: ...still limp
DAVERAVE: Do it!
sweet17: HARRRRRRRRRRRRR
DAVERAVE: I turn you around to lick your asshole.
DAVERAVE: I pry apart that battleship you call your ass.
DAVERAVE: I see poo nuggets hanging from the hair around your ass.
sweet17: WTF?!?!?
DAVERAVE: They stink really bad.
sweet17: OMG STOP!!!
DAVERAVE: I start to get fed up with your ugly ass
DAVERAVE: I tear off your wooden peg leg.
DAVERAVE: I ram it up your ass.
sweet17: YOURE A FUCKING PYSCHO!!
DAVERAVE: Then I pour hot caramel over your head.
DAVERAVE: And turn you into a fucking candy apple...
DAVERAVE: I kick you in the face!
sweet17: FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!!
DAVERAVE: The celluloid from your cheeks hits the side of the cabin...
DAVERAVE: Your parrot flys away.
DAVERAVE: ...going limp again.
DAVERAVE: Hello?
DAVERAVE: Say it!
DAVERAVE: HAARRRRRR!!!!!

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

DAS SPUNKEN COUNCILLOR OF THE WEEK 2


Wow I cant believe it's a man
Originally uploaded by das spunken.
Wow like the magic from Paul Daniels hand, Peter is transformed from boozey faced Bobby Charlton lookalike into the amazing uber babe Karen.

I only wish I was one of those lucky police officers who saw her in her low cut top and short skirt. Go easy on the blusher though Karen. I feel sorry for the 400,000 rabbits that died during the testing of your make-up!

DAS SPUNKEN COUNCILLOR OF THE WEEK

Name: Peter or Karen Urquhart
Party: The militant cross dressing wing of the Labour Party
Place: High Peak, Manchester

This weeks councillor is featured on Manchester online website read the full excellent article below: (DAS SPUNKEN comments in red)


When police stopped local councillor Peter Urquhart on suspicion of drink-driving they discovered he was dressed as his alter-ego - a blonde woman called Karen.

Now after his secret life was unveiled in court, the married father-of-three has spoken out for the first time about his cross-dressing and his pride at being able to explore his feminine side.

Urquhart, 59, was arrested after police officers found him sitting drunk in his car outside a pub dressed as a woman, wearing make-up, a blonde wig, low-cut top and short skirt. (what a slut, low cut top and short skirt!)

Magistrates in Manchester fined the Glossop councillor - who has been cross-dressing all his life(even as a child?) - ??250 and banned him from driving for 12 months for being drunk in charge of a vehicle.

Urquhart, of Marple Road, Charlesworth, Glossop, denied the charge on the basis he had never intended to drive and that the car engine was not switched on. But prosecutor Cath Cundy said the engine was running and that Urquhart, who was found to be three times over the limit, was wearing his seatbelt when arrested outside the Three Arrows pub, in Blackley, last July.

The Liberal Democrat councillor, for Simmondley, in Glossop, said: "My mother had died from heart problems (probably brought on by the thought of her son dressing in her stockings and suspenders) the day before I was arrested and I was in a terrible emotional state. I had driven to the Three Arrows with a friend and spent about three hours drinking with him and talking about my problems.

"I never switched the engine on, I never put my seatbelt on and I never intended to drive and as far as I'm concerned the police officers had some sort of vendetta against me because I was dressed as a woman.(picture the scene ....Hello Sir/Madam been drinking have we) After that, I started drinking more and more heavily, and became very depressed."

Two months later he was arrested a second time again dressed as a woman, and convicted of drink-driving. "I cannot excuse my behaviour, and I am very sorry for that, but I was near suicidal at the time. It was terrible," he said.

The former French(Lingerie) and German teacher added: "I'm not embarrassed at all by the fact that I'm a cross-dresser and feel that I'm fortunate that I can explore both sides of the gender divide and my personality. I'm actually very proud and I think those people who know respect me for being honest.(I bet they do!)

"My wife is extremely unsympathetic(Thats because when you stuff a 15 stone man into size 8 stockings you can never get them to fit again) to it but it's my way of winding down, it helps me to relax when I'm stressed. My family know I occasionally indulge my female side but have no idea what it means to me. I hope that now I'll be able to sit down and talk about it properly with them."(I doubt it)

Urquhart insisted that High Peak council had been very understanding and supportive.(Only because they are shitting themselves about being sued for discrimination)

Karen, Peter Whatever you call yourself, Mr Blair needs more lady men like you in the house of commons. Excellent work and like Manchester itself you have strangeways.

Das Fucking gud yah!


austria2
Originally uploaded by das spunken.
Austria the land that brought you Lederhosen, Hitler, The Sound of Music, Arnie and now the town of fucking. I dread to think what the sign below means!

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Are you loving it????????????????????????????


holocaustic
Originally uploaded by das spunken.
By now everyone is probably aware of McDonald's new ad campaign: "i'm lovin' it," which is an anagram of "ailing vomit." How apt!

Are the people at McDonalds truly ???lovin it????
Especially since the company posted its first ever loss of $231 million last year). The new lovin it campaign has been up and running for a while now and their valued customers don???t really seem to be lovin it.

Everything about the new campaign is engineered to target "the culture of today's consumer." Apparently the culture of today's consumer doesn't mind the implied discrimination with the use of specific grammar and punctuation used in the new slogan. After all, cheapened cultural identity is a small price to pay for discounts on Big Mac value meals. the slogan "i'm lovin' it" is all lower case, using relaxed, non-formal language to reflect the attitudes and culture of today's urban youth.
Using popular hip-hop, R&B, and rap artists in "five cutting-edge, high-energy television commercials" is also a brilliant move on McDonald's part.

The latest face of McDonald happens to be one Justin Timerlake (NOTE TO JUSTIN: how creatively bankrupt do you need to be to start acting like Michael Jackson? What next dressing like Peter Pan and enticing small children into Timberlake Towers)

Ethnic stereotypes have bottomless wallets and are eager to spend their money on grease-saturated hamburgers sold by any company willing to identify with their values. To quote Bill Lamar, senior vice president and chief marketing officer of McDonald's USA:

"It will rekindle the emotional bond our customers have with McDonald's through a campaign that depicts how people live, what they love about life and what they love about McDonald's."

Anyone who has an emotional bond with McDonald's, or anyone who can relate anything they love about life to a company that sells deep fried processed chicken meat should be sectioned under mental health laws. The only bond this campaign is rekindling is that of my ass to the toilet. I'd rather have my skin sand blasted off than eat another pig rectum sandwich from McDonald's.

Finally if this text does find itself being scrutinised by McDonalds legal team just think Supersize me, globalisation protesters, McLibel, downturn in profits, salad marketing strategies not working. Can the worlds number 1 cow reprocessing plant handle anymore negative publicity?

Monday, November 08, 2004

DAS SPUNKEN FANMAIL

Look we got some stalker, I mean fanmail today:

Shit knows I'm setting myself up for disaster, but I must now know.... who the hell are you? I see we have some reading material in common and you're definitely enjoying a sick sense of humor on your site. If nothing else you're cracking me up. And why only the most depraved woman of the UK? Aside from her romantic assertions and terrible spelling, she didn't seem all that depraved. Come on now, we need a girl going to the level the upside down penis man went to. Let's see.... can I swallow my pride long enough to pass out naked next to the toilet filled with vomit and have a friend snap a pic? Jezebelsriot

DAS SPUNKEN says: Obviously we were a little dissapointed with the response from females in the most depraved competition. I hope fat chick from Doncaster has addressed your lustings for female flesh. We may do another search for..... using the swingers heaven website probably searching for the UK's most depraved Cross Dresser, Transvestite or we may hoist up the mast and set sail for the island of Lesbia. Keep reading good stuff and downloading sub standard websites.

Mr Das Spunken

Thursday, November 04, 2004

God bless America

To celebrate the Republican victory at the American polls the wisdom monkeys at Das Spunken decided to personally join the party in Yahoo chat. We found a room called Republican chat which boasted 5 other users. How open minded are the people that voted for the president? We at DAS SPUNKEN decided to test the bounds of acceptability of the glorious American electorate.

Other users included:

ProudtobeinUSA
Eagleofhonour
GoOhioGo
MrPalmerssox
REVTRUTH
BentonBush --------THIS IS DAS SPUNKEN FOLKS!!!!!

BentonBush: Hi guys great to be in here, what a win! Yeeeeeehaahhhhh USA USA USA USA
ProudtobeinUSA: Hi BentonBush its a great day-----:O
Eagleofhonour: Laughing at liberal flip flops in California
REV TRUTH: Kerry go play boats
MrPalmersox: Yeah!!! USA USA
BentonBush: USA USA yeah Mr Palmers sex USA USA. You guys know what I love about being a Republican? ------The freedom to be a proud American and the commitment to kill foreigners like Saudi's, Iraqis, french and other mid east terrorists
REVTRUTH: Hell yeah Towelheads
MrPalmersox: Its Palmersox not sex
BentonBush: I dont not wanna have sex with you, Kerry voting dog. Palmersex is a liberal ass fag....BOO -GO home Kerry, GO HOME LIBERAL
REVTRUTH: GO HOME KERRY -IF YOU VOTED KERRY YOU AINT WELCOME HERE
Eagleofhonour: Palmersex on IGGY
GoOhioGo: Palmersex is a liberal fag
Mr Palmersox exits the room
BentonBush: Hey guys thats not the only liberal we kicked out today LOL
GoOhioGo: LOL
REVTRUTH: GO GO USA-Hey Bent where you from?
BentonBush: A small town outside of Cleveland called Twatsville
GoOhioGo: I never heard of Twatsville? I live outside of Cleveland
REVTRUTH: exits the room
Eagleofhonour exits the room
GoOhioGo:Hey buddy I am looking on my map and I dont see any Twatsville
BentonBush:It's really small 35 kilometers outside of Cleveland bud! (NOTE SPUNKEN FANS HOW HE NEARLY RUMBLED ME -BUT I PULLED IT BACK FROMTHE BRINK WITH EXCELLENT USE OF AMERICANISMS)
BentonBush: Have you ever felt the inner thighs of hairy man gyrate against your cheeks? -It makes me proud to be an american-God bless the USA!
GoOhioGo: What the hell........................
BentonBush: I dont believe in gay marriage though, do you Go?
GoOhioGo: Are you a fag? No way I dont believe in any fags getting married.
BentonBush: I agree. Say no to gay marriage.
GoOhioGo: OK. Are you a fag buddy?
BentonBush: No I dont believe in gay marriage because us gays are far to promiscious and love having multiple partners and therefore dont ever want to settle down. I love all the different partners I have- as they say -some boys are bigger than others.
GoOhioGo: eeeeeeek you fuckin asshole. Why dont you go kill yourself fag.
BentonBush: Thats not a very inclusive attitude is it. This is the year 2005 and gays are everywhere, even top Republicans like Donald Rumsfeld and Colin Powell have recently admitted they have had homosexual relations with some colleagues.
REVTRUTH enters the room
GoOhioGo: Bullcrap boy you are one sicko liberal fag. I hope you die.
BentonBush: The big A is a fear but I tend not to think about it to much when having sex. Apparently John Wayne died of aids, he was a gay man but he covered it up for years.
GoOhioGO: John Wayne was a fine american and not a fag. Youre gonna die with all youre immigrant lovers boy
BentonBush: REVTRUTH is a great lover, a little rough but we must repeat the experience soon. REV
REVTRUTH: fuck U
REVTRUTH leaves the room
GoOhioGo: What is this some sort of fag bar. Youre going on IGGY now!
BentonBush: How big are you downstairs Go?
BentonBush: Have you ever inserted a root vegetable so far into your anus that it touches your internal organs?
GoOhioGo leaves the room

There we have it, the conclusion reached is that the repulican voting electorate are not really that tolerant of anyone.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Too much Bush can be bad for your health


bush2
Originally uploaded by das spunken.
I love it when they chant U,U,USA U,U, USA.

DAS SPUNKEN SITES OF THE WEEK


shrews7
Originally uploaded by das spunken.
Interweb wiseness making our weeners weep this week include:

http://www.retrocrush.com/archive.html

Everything and more

http://www.snopes.com
Excellent resource for dispelling urban trivia

http://www.ocf.berkeley.edu/~derekyu/pr0n/gallery.html
Accidental porn video game website

http://my.execpc.com/~kenotz/weird.html
Weird links to crazy sites

http://www.verycrazy.com/crazysites/
Does what it says on the tin

https://www.scl.co.uk/samfox/foxshop/quickcat.htm
Purchase Sam Foxes lycra top and sniff til you get high

http://eil.com/shop/ExtSearch.asp?DiscArtist=Linda-Lusardi
Its what all the kids are listening to! Linda Lusardi -Eye Contact the dub mix -bangin.

http://www.jimbowen.co.uk/
Bullseye RIP quality

http://mch3w.ch.man.ac.uk/org/JDS/personalfiles/dan/stefan/stefpage.html
What the kids are also listening to

http://www.campcamp.com/
This looks fun

The Drysdale Club for Men


menu
Originally uploaded by das spunken.
This club was one of the first gentlemans pleasuring establishments ever to be established in Britain.

Take a look at the quiant list of options on the menu card. A gift from lesbia anyone?