Wednesday, October 13, 2004

Why DAS SPUNKEN hates celebrities

Originally uploaded by das spunken.
The full explanation can be seeen in ther comments section below.

I hate them so much I have decided to truly study the mind of a celebrity fan by taking 10 a-z list celebs and trying to contact them using just the glorious interweb. My exploits will be posted weekly to everyones favourite webshite.

We at DAS SPUNKEN want to tread the fine line between celebrity worship, obsession, compulsion and stalking. Anyway the 10 celebs will be announced soon.

To any man that thinks Britney Spears is worth more than a ??10/10 minute Tesco car park knee trembler, then just look at this picture. The cosmetic industry is a wonderful thing (appart from Mr Jacksons surgeon)


Blogger Das Spunken said...

Why we hate celebrities!

I used to think acting was a skill. If there is anything I have learned from the crossover of film actors and musicians is anyone can act and anyone can have a singing career. It?s all about packaging. How else do you explain Britney Spears? entire career?music and supposed film?

I hate celebrities. I resent them. Why? Because they have more money than is decent. I have a major problem with people who can spend thousands of pounds on candles and sunglasses alone. These people have lost all touch with reality and it is time for us common people to stop putting up with their crap! Because celebrities only spend time with other celebrities, who also spend thousands of pounds on candles and sunglasses, they are in a bubble that shields them from what 99% of the population does with their candle money (rent).

This really came to a head for me when I read a blurb in a magazine where Catherine Zeta-Jones called a million dollars ?not a lot of money.? (She was then made the subject of a letter-writing campaign from school children who asked her to donate to African children some of the ?not much? money she had laying around in huge stinking bundles.) Obviously she declined!

My hatred stems from the millions of human beings entranced by every celebrity move, every celebrity nose-pick. With tabloids and entertainment shows spilling famous faces into every available space, how can a man live a simple life?
Each day, people star-fuck themselves to death. Mothers ignore their children so they can check out who J-Lo is dating; fathers follow Paul McCartney?s every move as if he?s an angel of deliverance. This is disgusting. This makes me want to wretch!. These celeb-heads apparently have nothing better to do than follow aging rock stars and pissy actors, all in the hope of?what? The thing that annoys me the most is the illogic of celebrity worship. Why would you care about another person?s life so intently? Laid out simply, following another person?s day job is absurd. It?s a mystery to me why the true heroes of this world - limitless writers, visionary scientists, architects - are barely eyeballed compared to the moronic Hollywood idols.

If I have to read another article about a celebrity mom who says something vapid but deep-sounding about motherhood like ?Motherhood is the hardest job I?ve ever had to do, but it is so worth it and so rewarding. There is nothing I would trade for little ?Apple/Zowie/Arthur/Jade? my head will literally explode. Do you think it is Ms. Zeta-Jones or Sadie Frost who gets up 10 times a night. Don?t be silly, that?s what round-the-clock nannies are for! They need their sleep. How else are they going to going to make it to 5 a.m. Pilates? What is a new mom who is not a celebrity supposed to think when they see the celebrity, who now weighs less than the non-celebrity did when she was in primary school, strutting around perfectly coifed talking about how she is a full time mom AND an actress working on location in Lithuania AND is breastfeeding AND has time for many charity luncheons. This is just another way celebrities make women especially feel like failures. Eat it up, ladies.

The thing that gets me is this: we, as a society, hear these things and we still pay money to see these people in movies. I?m not saying we should never see a film or TV again, but I think we need to be a little more discriminating about whose candle fund we contribute to. So, if you must, read ?People,? but watch what these stars are saying and doing. Just as the occasional colonic can cleanse the body, an occasional reality check can cleanse the mind of pop culture detritus.

If you agree with any of these statements, you wont like whats coming up on DAS SPUNKEN in the upcoming weeks:

I think it reasonable for David Schwimmer to get paid 650 grand per episode of the hit TV show ?Friends.?

The people who are best qualified to comment on the political situation are the highly educated and well-read members of the acting fraternity.

If I met any celebrity (B-list and up) I would definitely tell them I am a big fan of their work.

I like Jade Goody

When I see a celebrity with a bad haircut, or wearing an ugly dress, I wish I were their friend, so I could advise them against such a fashion faux pas.

I know more about the personal lives of the contestants on Pop Idol/ Big Brother/Survivor than I know about my own family members.

I have switched religions to one a celebrity follows.

Simon Cowell is a valued member of society

13 October 2004 at 12:32  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

To hate and denounce celebrities, you certainly keep up with their goings on.

2 November 2004 at 17:50  

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