Tuesday, October 19, 2004

A beginners guide to suicide bombing

Originally uploaded by das spunken.
Safety First!
The freedom fighter or suicide bomber is one of the most dangerous professions known to man, exceeded only by the professional murder victim. Most of the suicide bombers workplace casualties could be avoided with a few simple safety precautions.

1) Choose your bomb - the first-time suicide bomber death rate is well over 90% because novice bombers want to dive right in with the big explosives. Start with two or three sticks of dynamite (leave plastique and HMX to the experts) and work your way up from there until you reach your comfort level. The best way to determine your starting comfort level is to place a test charge underneath a mattress and detonate it while you lay on top. If you are propelled more than six feet in the air, the detonation may cause serious injury when worn in a bomb vest.

2) Keep it simple every bomber wants to personalise their bombs with shrapnel nails, glass, etc. but few of them know how to properly align shrapnel bits. If you arent sure what this entails, then keep your bomb limited to explosive, casing, and detonator.

3) Practice makes perfect when you detonate your bomb, a thousand things will be going through your mind. If you let anxiety and distraction diminish your attention, the detonation will turn your insides into an mashed up puree. Practice by detonating at least three smaller charges before setting off the big one in public. Start with a quarter charge and work your way up to at least three quarters of the final charge.

Follow these steps and your martyrs death rate will plummet from 99+% to 3.7%. Of course, we dont condone the killing of innocent people no matter how safely you detonate your bomb, so make sure your victims are infidels, or Geri Halliwell.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

i've lost a couple friends to suicide bombings gone bad and i'd just like to offer the following advice re the shrapnel situation; practice with gummie bears before moving up to glass/nails. candy never hurt anyone.

21 October 2004 at 13:24  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sicko, what the hell is this shit! Innocent people are dying in Israel and you think this is funny. Your site sucks

25 October 2004 at 09:53  

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